Why I've Been Gone

So as a few of you know already i've since late november have been hit over the head several times with issues causing my depression to kick in more than it has in a long while. This time around my mother has been the cause and at the end of it well the last member of my family sorta abandoned me so i've been in soul crushing depression since then that just keeps getting brought back up and having the wounds reopened.

During the start i tried to keep up with the site in hopes that i could keep but but issues i've had on the site for a while with most things i do feeling like either others just can never be satisfied, so many others taking it personally when i can't rp with them, and then being overrun with threads due to so many people requesting certain threads, then just causing me to feel a punch in the gut when they don't join and complain more. I've been feeling like certain things i've been trying to do that others have been seeming happy for being for nothing due to others not joining. I know that you guys are likely busy, this is not an attack on anyone, its me explaining how i've been feeling.

But the combination of all that and my depression and other issues that i've developed due to officially losing the last bit of my family and being reminded of every friend i've lost in the past because of something stupid just made me feel like i was losing control and losing people i care about on the site. To be honest i need a therapist or something but at the time being due to money and insurance issues i can't get one i need right now but the people im living with and have been for a while who have been here for me irl for a long time now is trying to get me help.

I think i've needed a therapist for a long time but only now have i been in an environment that i wouldn't be treated like i was only going for an excuse to be pitties which anyone who really knows me, they know i hate the pity. A few of you know a little on what i've been through in my life but for those who don't to sum it up now that i emotionally feel like i can even in the slightest bit. I've gone though mental and physical abuse for 90% of my life, i even at one point had my nose broken and due to many other issues i had medically i never noticed the pain and never had it rained and only this year did i realize that that was the case.

I've had several fathers, all of which have caused most of the issues and even taught me false information and tried and succeeded in a while false information so they could leech off me. I've had best friends i trusted turn on me, and misunderstandings turning into losing important people in my life to turn south where i admittedly feel like i've said horrible things back to them when they said it to me and despite it all i still somewhere in me still care about every one of them but it still hurts hearing or seeing any of them even just their name. I've lost people from death, them just leaving me from association, or just by vanishing off the face of the earth.

I've gone though being anorexic (due to lack of money) several times in my life all while actually being staff on this site actively, been bed ridden from being so sick too many times to count, extreme anxiety every day, heavy depression, and more times than i'd like to admit and is the hardest thing to say publicly let alone to only 2 or 3 others in my entire life… suffered from extreme suicidal thoughts. All of which i stayed on the site because it was the only constant thing in my life. SO honestly i think after so long of all this and the site just over time shrinking and slowing down and everyone i knew from way back when mostly gone only made my issues worse this time around.

So i stayed away because every time i tried to bring myself to rp on the site i just felt like i would say something and only hear my anxiety thoughts of why no one was replying right way when i knew logically why no one would reply within a few moments. I wasn't in a good mindset to be the admin so i chose not to be. And sadly staff had not been able to be on fully due to their own irl issues. I'm going to try to get back into things because rping off site once or twice every other day and staring at nothingness letting my depression isn't helping so i'm going to try and make myself get back into my usual routine because it helped in the past.

I just felt that i needed to say all this, finally for the first time ever to everyone. Because to most im just a person who vanishes and comes back really energetic only to get spotty ever so often. Or snaps at someone for seemingly no reason when on my end i had 5 others telling me to do things irl on site and on other things so just one single extra person just caused my anxiety to go crazy so i needed to shout in some direction to leave me alone. And for those i did that too i'm sorry you didn't deserve that. This thread is not for pitty so please do not give im sorrys i didn't knows or any pity because like i said earlier i don't like it.

I'm going to end this here but to wrap it up in a way people who dont like me will like, im not perfect im horrifically flawed and can be a **** person. (now the but part cause theres always that) but i'm trying to do better and i hope i can, because i need to because honestly there's a good reason why i have my depression and i honestly hate my emotions lately and wish i didn't have many of them. But for now i’m going to try to continue to be your horribly flawed admin.

It's alright to be flawed E, we are all messed up in the inside. It's just what makes us human, just know you got friends like Toji and others that will be at your side. *Gives E a digital hug*

*Gives E much hugs.* Aye, Ty's right on that. We got your back, E,so no worries!!

Somehow, Energy, I always knew you would make a great Admin. You can really dedicate yourself to something you get excited about, and you continue to impress me more as time goes on.

Your art is fantastic. Your characters are memorable. Your stories are great. But most of all, Energy, I value you. You have been a good friend to me for years, Energy, even at times when I was not a good friend to you.

I want to be there for you, Energy. If you need to talk, or need anything I may be able to provide, send me a pm, and I will do my best.