Line Editing.

The Ten-dollar Word Experiment helps to improve your writing - try it out.
Line Editing

Imagine you live in a world where you have to buy words, and each one costs ten dollars. Your aim, then, is to make every word count toward your story’s meaning in as many ways possible – call them “high value words.” They convey information about what happens. Simultaneously, a high value word might give sensory detail – visual, tactile, olfactory, etc, and these vivid words create a living world. By being filled with connotation, they create tone. In addition to all that, they tell us what happened. In general, these words are verbs and nouns.

These are not necessarily high diction words. Of these pairs, which is a higher value word?: “ensanguinated,” or “bloody?”
“imbibed,” or “gulped?”
“intoxicated” or “blotto?”

The goal for this experiment, then, is to practice revising for clarity, construction, and maximum compression, while still creating a vibrant, multilayered fictional world.

Some strategies for your ten-dollar word experiment.
• Cross out every adverb and adjective.
The threatening animal was atop the brown furniture.
The animal was atop the furniture.

• Doing the first step may leave the language flat and non-descriptive. Consider changing the nouns and verbs to be more concrete, and more reflective of your character’s personality and emotional state (to have more tone).
The animal was atop the furniture.
The bobcat crouched on the armoire.

• See if prepositional phrases 1can be replaced by a single word, or eliminated altogether:
The animal, which was atop1 the armoire, looked threatening
The animal on the armoire looked threatening.

• General nouns can be made more specific.
The animal on the armoire threatened her.
The bobcat threatened her.

• Verbs describing generalized sets of behavior can be replaced with specific activities.2
The bobcat threatened2 her.
The bobcat growled.2

• Look for the verb “to be.”
This is the least interesting verb, and not worth your ten bucks. Ask yourself what you could use instead.
The animal was mean-looking.
The bobcat bared inch-long teeth.

• Along the same lines, look for “ing” words (called gerunds). These dilute the action, and are often paired with the verb “to be.”
The animal was pacing.
The animal paced.

• Examine syntax. Often, passive voice (the verb before the subject) includes a number of excess words. Sometimes, you may not even realize that you have done this – ask yourself for every sentence if the subject is before the action.
She was threatened by the animal atop the armoire.
The animal threatened her.
The bobcat paced.

• Look for “word packages.” (see attached photocopy; see also the literary habits and clichés handout I gave you the first day of class).
For some curious reason she noticed the animal was threatening her.
Revised: The animal threatened her.
At that very moment, it occurred to her that the bobcat was growling.
Revised: The bobcat growled.

• Look for “boxcars and mechanical stylistics” (see attached photocopy)
While the animal was threatening her, she happened to look at the animal, and then she felt scared.
The animal threatened her.
The bobcat growled and scared her. (The rest is pointing to chronological order, and is implied).

• Look for “stage directions.” These are descriptions of the action of using one of the five senses – She heard, she smelled, she touched, etc. Here are three examples:
1. She heard a male voice singing a blues song in the room next door.
This describes an action – hearing -- if you are firmly in her point of view, is already implied. Who else would be hearing it? How else, except through hearing, would she experience the male voice singing?
Better:
• A male voice sang blues badly in the room next door.
Or better:
• Next door, a man howled the blues.

2. She saw that the bobcat looked threatening. (Again, both of these verbs describe what is implied by the point of view.)
better:
i. The bobcat threatened her.
ii. The bobcat growled and bared its teeth. (a specific activity)

3. She took a big bite and tasted the sweet peach
To get rid of “tasted” you have to ask yourself what’s a more evocative description. Consider:
The peach gushed juice.
Or, if it’s not ripe:
The peach nearly broke her tooth.
Either way, the fact that she tasted it is implied.

• Look for “noticed” and “occurred to her/him” and ask if they are necessary.

• Look for places where body parts act separately from the character:

Her eyes swiveled toward the animal atop the armoire.
She looked at the animal.
(OR) The animal threatened her (the looking is implied)

His hand picked up the telephone.
He answered the telephone.
(OR) He whispered hello (the picking up is implied).

• Look for places where two or three sentences all work toward describing the same thing. Can you combine the best parts of each sentence to make one compressed, compelling sentence? Or can you choose the best of the three?

• Find abstractions that could be made concrete.

• Look for “always” and other versions of it that dilute the action. Consider putting the action in one moment, rather than generalizing it.

She was always hearing the man next door sing the blues.
She heard the man next door sing the blues.
The man next door sang the blues.

• Look for “then, or next” and other versions of “transitions.” These are generally unnecessary, as the chronology of the story implies “then” and “next.”
The beast crouched. Then the beast attacked. Next, he bit her ferociously.
The beast crouched. He attacked. He bit her ferociously.
The leopard crouched, pounced, and sank his teeth into her arm.

• Look for “as” and any other word that creates a dependant clause. Does the second half of the sentence really happen while the first half is occurring?
As she inched toward the wall, she banged on the wall and yelled for help, until her throat was hoarse. (She doesn’t bang on the wall until she reaches it; at this point, the inching ceases. Her throat doesn’t become hoarse while she is inching toward the wall)
She inched toward the wall. She banged and yelled until her throat was hoarse.